Today

After a significant break in posting it is time to return.

I am unwell. I have not been able to work for most of the last eight months. I awake each morning with an uncomfortable feeling of worry and anxiety. Very few days have many consecutive hours that feel "good" and the overarching grey themes have found me with diminished interest in the pleasures of life and a relative inability to cope with some of it's associated rigours. As a spouse and parent I feel a painful lack of capacity in dealing well with the needs of those around me.

I feel isolated from those around me at times and disconnected from God. The sense of isolation comes in part from a lack of emotional authenticity. In other words, wearing a mask and not sharing my real feelings. Sometimes this is because I don't feel comfortable letting some people in and on other occasions it is too harrowing to discuss my heavy feelings. As a result a false facade is preferable. Sometimes I feel less inclined to share as I don't want to encumber others with my emotional baggage or sound like I am complaining. Despite this, my closest family members know how things are for me.

As my time away from work has stretched out, I have waited for some clarity to come from Heaven. I have looked for some answers to arrive that would shed light and direction on how to heal and return to a more functional, meaningful life. In waiting, I hoped that God would give me a clear package that would allow me to find financial avenues that would prevent me from having to return to my old job, which is a source of stress, as well as resources to help me feel better. This has not yet been realised. I returned to work for a short number of weeks when faced with a pay reduction but it was too much and I have not been working since then, which was two months ago.

There are a few moments of clarity that have broken through the gloom:

 - Knowledge that I am God's child. Despite the feelings of spiritual loneliness that have been around regularly over recent months there are some moments when I feel of his love.

 - I have family and friends who love me. While not many understand what I am going through, there are people around me who offer love, support and encouragement through my experiences.

 - God is making me into something more than I can see. C.S. Lewis said, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

I feel that there is a reason behind all of these feelings and emotional unsteadiness. I feel that, although agonisingly slow, the process will yet yield some results to enable a forward step. I feel a parallel with the seasons in that the changes that occur are almost unnoticeable on a daily basis. Despite that each new season gives way to the one that follows in it's fullness.

Elder Holland

What a breath of fresh air it was to hear from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles at the Saturday Afternoon session of General Conference. I was attempting to watch the session live. As I am in the UK, this session ran from 9:00pm. As I dosed, my wife pointed out that Elder Holland was addressing mental health issues. Having, half heartedly, tried to focus I realised I would need to revisit this talk. As I drove to work later in the week, I listened again. My interest was piqued right away. Elder Holland, as forceful as ever, spoke about mental health issues in black and white terms. It was liberating to hear emotional issues compared to some of the more socially acceptable physiological problems that can afflict us. I felt that it was a call not to lie down to mental health problems but to acknowledge and deal with things, as opposed to lying down to difficulties. It also meant that opportunities were given to priesthood leaders to see emotional issues as real. I'm grateful to the Lord for inspiring his servants to help so many sinking souls feel some hope.

He Did Deliver Me from Bondage

If you are seeking for some good reading materials that will sharpen your focus on the Saviour, I would recommend 'He Did Deliver Me From Bondage' by Colleen Harrison. The book is a 12 step programme for addiction recovery, based on the 12 steps that are found in the Alcoholics Anonymous 'Big Book'. It also incorporates principles from the Book of Mormon to give a workbook that is designed to help people overcome addictive behaviours. The book has a wider application as it can be applied to all manner of issues and problems in a sense wider than addiction recovery. By following some basic (and correct) principles the book opens up a practical process that encourages a break away from independent self reliance and promotes a Saviour focused reliance that has application for many of life's troubles. The beginning of the whole process unfolds as we admit that we are wholly reliant on Him. Sister Harrison, herself, has struggled with addictive behaviours that caused her to re-evaluate her own life. Sometimes when struggling with poor emotional health it can be easy to seek solace from many of the world's enticements. Food, alcohol, drugs, pornography etc. can offer an alluring escape from reality. The problem comes as we proceed down these paths we are ensnared by the adversary and need rescuing. Conversely those in the grips of mental health difficulties need rescuing too. By steering clear of dangerous paths our rescue is more straightforward. At the heart of it all, Jesus Christ stands ready to rescue and deliver us, whatever path we have taken and I am utterly convinced that he will come to our aid.

When did I first notice I had OCD type issues?

I was always a worrier as a child. As I grew up and passed from adolescence and into adulthood the worries were worse than ever before. It seems to me that I just adapted to living with worries. It was only as I got older that my worries became more pronounced. For example I would worry about being ill, checking for unusual signs of illness. When i worked as a cook I would be too focused on cleaning up, a little scared that any left over food or associated dirt would cause illness. It seems from my reading that adolescence and early adulthood are the times when OCD and other mental health conditions can kick in. That was what happened to me. I was diagnosed in my early to mid twenties and since then I have develpoed an understanding that has seen me move forwards,

OCD Cleaning

I watched a show recently called "Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners". It is a show on Channel 4 (in the UK) which matches up members of the British public with an OCD person who is obsessed with cleaning. It is watchable but offers a few limited insights into OCD. A thought that I had relates to the public perception of OCD. For some it is viewed as a quirky little phenomenon that might drive people to having a tidy and clean home. You might hear the comment, "I'm a bit OCD about that", which is most likely directed to some issue related to order or sanitary housekeeping. Maybe this is true. Perhaps OCD is more of a spectrum of issues than a black and white condition. In other words maybe we're all "a bit OCD". The public might erroneously observe some value in OCD. In fact I once spoke with a doctor who suggested my issues might be helpful in getting things done. I don't suffer as much as some. I know that there are people for whom stable and comfortable living is impossible. Some individuals have compulsions that have taken over their lives. There is a good article on OCD-UK about this. It refers to the idea of being "a bit OCD" and draws comparison with some of the people who are struggling to cope.

We all have a story to tell!

I'm glad that I've been created as a unique individual.

There are so many people around and each has a story to tell. I wish I could spend my days stopping to find out the depth and detail that others could share. Each life could yield a best seller. Even in the mundane, there are worthwhile, even special, moments.

Each stranger that we pass has hopes, fears, deep desires and disappointments that they carry with them.

I sit in traffic sometimes and depersonalise my neighbor drivers. They are suits and ties, office bound, with ledgers, action plans, meetings and sales targets in mind.

I barely notice the people as the cars edge past and forget that each of these souls has a story inside, perhaps buried deeply.

Sometimes it's easy to forget our own worth and value. Our own life experiences have created a unique set of circumstances for each of us. However, we step onto the treadmill of our lives and spend significant chunks of time going through the motions. Living through our days but often without vibrancy. Our creative strength dampened down by our fears and expectations for what we "should be doing".

My hope is to tell my story. I don't want to reach the end of this mortal phase with my story still inside.

'The Doubting Disease' etc.

I spotted a book called 'The Doubting Disease' (Joseph W. Ciarrochi) which is designed to pick up on elements of OCD and suggests help. I've picked up some other good reads like 'Feel the Fear but Do It Anyway' (Susan Jeffers) and 'Feeling Good' (David W. Burns). I like some of the points but they, to me, are not exactly life changing (maybe I'm not using them right). I wonder that sometimes if it's having a spititual focus might be of more benefit. President Packer stated that; "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." In addition sometimes diverting attention away from the issue has helped me to feel better than to become preoccupied with solving the problems.