Today

After a significant break in posting it is time to return.

I am unwell. I have not been able to work for most of the last eight months. I awake each morning with an uncomfortable feeling of worry and anxiety. Very few days have many consecutive hours that feel "good" and the overarching grey themes have found me with diminished interest in the pleasures of life and a relative inability to cope with some of it's associated rigours. As a spouse and parent I feel a painful lack of capacity in dealing well with the needs of those around me.

I feel isolated from those around me at times and disconnected from God. The sense of isolation comes in part from a lack of emotional authenticity. In other words, wearing a mask and not sharing my real feelings. Sometimes this is because I don't feel comfortable letting some people in and on other occasions it is too harrowing to discuss my heavy feelings. As a result a false facade is preferable. Sometimes I feel less inclined to share as I don't want to encumber others with my emotional baggage or sound like I am complaining. Despite this, my closest family members know how things are for me.

As my time away from work has stretched out, I have waited for some clarity to come from Heaven. I have looked for some answers to arrive that would shed light and direction on how to heal and return to a more functional, meaningful life. In waiting, I hoped that God would give me a clear package that would allow me to find financial avenues that would prevent me from having to return to my old job, which is a source of stress, as well as resources to help me feel better. This has not yet been realised. I returned to work for a short number of weeks when faced with a pay reduction but it was too much and I have not been working since then, which was two months ago.

There are a few moments of clarity that have broken through the gloom:

 - Knowledge that I am God's child. Despite the feelings of spiritual loneliness that have been around regularly over recent months there are some moments when I feel of his love.

 - I have family and friends who love me. While not many understand what I am going through, there are people around me who offer love, support and encouragement through my experiences.

 - God is making me into something more than I can see. C.S. Lewis said, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

I feel that there is a reason behind all of these feelings and emotional unsteadiness. I feel that, although agonisingly slow, the process will yet yield some results to enable a forward step. I feel a parallel with the seasons in that the changes that occur are almost unnoticeable on a daily basis. Despite that each new season gives way to the one that follows in it's fullness.

Elder Holland

What a breath of fresh air it was to hear from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles at the Saturday Afternoon session of General Conference. I was attempting to watch the session live. As I am in the UK, this session ran from 9:00pm. As I dosed, my wife pointed out that Elder Holland was addressing mental health issues. Having, half heartedly, tried to focus I realised I would need to revisit this talk. As I drove to work later in the week, I listened again. My interest was piqued right away. Elder Holland, as forceful as ever, spoke about mental health issues in black and white terms. It was liberating to hear emotional issues compared to some of the more socially acceptable physiological problems that can afflict us. I felt that it was a call not to lie down to mental health problems but to acknowledge and deal with things, as opposed to lying down to difficulties. It also meant that opportunities were given to priesthood leaders to see emotional issues as real. I'm grateful to the Lord for inspiring his servants to help so many sinking souls feel some hope.

He Did Deliver Me from Bondage

If you are seeking for some good reading materials that will sharpen your focus on the Saviour, I would recommend 'He Did Deliver Me From Bondage' by Colleen Harrison. The book is a 12 step programme for addiction recovery, based on the 12 steps that are found in the Alcoholics Anonymous 'Big Book'. It also incorporates principles from the Book of Mormon to give a workbook that is designed to help people overcome addictive behaviours. The book has a wider application as it can be applied to all manner of issues and problems in a sense wider than addiction recovery. By following some basic (and correct) principles the book opens up a practical process that encourages a break away from independent self reliance and promotes a Saviour focused reliance that has application for many of life's troubles. The beginning of the whole process unfolds as we admit that we are wholly reliant on Him. Sister Harrison, herself, has struggled with addictive behaviours that caused her to re-evaluate her own life. Sometimes when struggling with poor emotional health it can be easy to seek solace from many of the world's enticements. Food, alcohol, drugs, pornography etc. can offer an alluring escape from reality. The problem comes as we proceed down these paths we are ensnared by the adversary and need rescuing. Conversely those in the grips of mental health difficulties need rescuing too. By steering clear of dangerous paths our rescue is more straightforward. At the heart of it all, Jesus Christ stands ready to rescue and deliver us, whatever path we have taken and I am utterly convinced that he will come to our aid.

When did I first notice I had OCD type issues?

I was always a worrier as a child. As I grew up and passed from adolescence and into adulthood the worries were worse than ever before. It seems to me that I just adapted to living with worries. It was only as I got older that my worries became more pronounced. For example I would worry about being ill, checking for unusual signs of illness. When i worked as a cook I would be too focused on cleaning up, a little scared that any left over food or associated dirt would cause illness. It seems from my reading that adolescence and early adulthood are the times when OCD and other mental health conditions can kick in. That was what happened to me. I was diagnosed in my early to mid twenties and since then I have develpoed an understanding that has seen me move forwards,

OCD Cleaning

I watched a show recently called "Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners". It is a show on Channel 4 (in the UK) which matches up members of the British public with an OCD person who is obsessed with cleaning. It is watchable but offers a few limited insights into OCD. A thought that I had relates to the public perception of OCD. For some it is viewed as a quirky little phenomenon that might drive people to having a tidy and clean home. You might hear the comment, "I'm a bit OCD about that", which is most likely directed to some issue related to order or sanitary housekeeping. Maybe this is true. Perhaps OCD is more of a spectrum of issues than a black and white condition. In other words maybe we're all "a bit OCD". The public might erroneously observe some value in OCD. In fact I once spoke with a doctor who suggested my issues might be helpful in getting things done. I don't suffer as much as some. I know that there are people for whom stable and comfortable living is impossible. Some individuals have compulsions that have taken over their lives. There is a good article on OCD-UK about this. It refers to the idea of being "a bit OCD" and draws comparison with some of the people who are struggling to cope.

We all have a story to tell!

I'm glad that I've been created as a unique individual.

There are so many people around and each has a story to tell. I wish I could spend my days stopping to find out the depth and detail that others could share. Each life could yield a best seller. Even in the mundane, there are worthwhile, even special, moments.

Each stranger that we pass has hopes, fears, deep desires and disappointments that they carry with them.

I sit in traffic sometimes and depersonalise my neighbor drivers. They are suits and ties, office bound, with ledgers, action plans, meetings and sales targets in mind.

I barely notice the people as the cars edge past and forget that each of these souls has a story inside, perhaps buried deeply.

Sometimes it's easy to forget our own worth and value. Our own life experiences have created a unique set of circumstances for each of us. However, we step onto the treadmill of our lives and spend significant chunks of time going through the motions. Living through our days but often without vibrancy. Our creative strength dampened down by our fears and expectations for what we "should be doing".

My hope is to tell my story. I don't want to reach the end of this mortal phase with my story still inside.

'The Doubting Disease' etc.

I spotted a book called 'The Doubting Disease' (Joseph W. Ciarrochi) which is designed to pick up on elements of OCD and suggests help. I've picked up some other good reads like 'Feel the Fear but Do It Anyway' (Susan Jeffers) and 'Feeling Good' (David W. Burns). I like some of the points but they, to me, are not exactly life changing (maybe I'm not using them right). I wonder that sometimes if it's having a spititual focus might be of more benefit. President Packer stated that; "True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." In addition sometimes diverting attention away from the issue has helped me to feel better than to become preoccupied with solving the problems.

What really drives OCD?

As an individual with OCD there are many areas of my attempts at Gospel living that can become confused. Let me be clear that the Gospel is real. It is true. God lives and He knows and loves us. As I lock in hard to my OCD version of Gospel living, problems can and do occur. I once was walking down the street outside a gas station and saw a razor blade on the street. What should I do? I picked it up and put in the trash, only after some deliberation. If I leave it, i thought, someone might get hurt and that would be my fault. After throwing it in the garbage can, I worried about the garbage person. They might get cut when they pull the bag from the can, which again would be my fault. Either way trying to do the "right thing" had caused me serious issues. I decided to tell the attendant about it. He listened, probably felt sorry for me and I felt better. As a home teacher it pained me to miss an appointment as this would be less than perfect service and I would feel guilty. I did not always have the needs of the saints in mind when i would leave to home teach, just the desire to not offend God and feel bad. These are examples of how I have been affected, but, all in all, as time passes I learn a little here and there that helps me. f you suffer from OCD type issues, have you ever considered what it is that drives your fear? When i need to go back to the office to check the PC is switched off and the staff kettle is turned off, what is that all about? I think it really relates to fear of getting into trouble. If, as my mind races through all the consequences, I really break it down it usually corresponds to fear of man. If I don't check and there is a fire, I will be responsible and in deep trouble along the way. Having made such a discovery, does it change my behaviour? Nope! It does help me know where I may need to change in time. I am on a healing journey. I will not lie down to feelings of despair and fear (I hope and pray that I won't at least). I hope my blog can help you know that healing is out there and that there are others who suffer too. Thanks for reading. Until next time..............

Beech Tree

Sometimes in our struggles we can become more than a little disgruntled. We look at ourselves and feel dissatisfied. Our weaknesses glare out at us and can cause our focus to become distorted. As we zero in on our weaknesses we begin to believe the self talk that we feed ourselves. This self talk, a tape loop that brings us down, can affect how we feel about ourselves, others and our circumstances. Now, we are imperfect. This is OK. We are fallen individuals. We cannot expect to be fully effective in all things. In so many areas our talents and abilities are still developing. This is all part of the plan of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Despite this we can be down on ourselves for these areas of incomplete growth, bemoaning our lack of capacity. In nature a beech tree has to grow from a seedling to a fully grown tree. The intermediate stages are all part of the natural cycle of growth. No-one would look at a little beech tree and dismiss it as a failure because it was not fully grown. Considering this, we all too quickly dismiss ourselves because we are incomplete. We are at intermediate stages of growth. We are not failures because our capacities are not fully grown. Invcomplete growth or weakness is not to be shunned. Alma 12:27, "... then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Being Mormon Does Not Cause Anxiety and OCD

I joined the Church early in my adult life.

As the years progressed it is worth noting that much of my obsessional thinking relates to particular components of the Gospel.

For example at tithing settlement time I often sweat over whether my tithe is accurate despite having worked things out and paid my offerings. My mind gets into a spin and questions such as "have I done all I can to check that I have not missed anything?" begin to prey on my mind. I worry about my status before the Lord.

Now let me be clear. I had OCD prior to joining the Church. I struggled with anxiety as a pre-teen and throughout my teenage years. Join joining the church DID NOT cause my mental health issues. My mind (illness) tends to go for vulnerable areas. I used to worry about health now it relates to honesty (or whatever other Gospel related issue).

I am glad that the Church gives tools to cope. I urge anyone who is struggling not to lie down to anxiety and/or OCD. Go and see your Bishop or Branch President and discuss access to an LDS family services counsellor.

Healing can come. Life is to be endured at times but enjoyment is not off-limits. Do not fall in to the trap of thinking that turning your back on Church will make things better.

I am glad I can write about these things. I am a sufferer but do not wish to throw in the towel and concede.

Until next time.....

OCD Examples

A number of years ago I thought I had contracted an incurable disease. I would wait for symptoms to show up and assume that any little physiological issue was as a result of my (imagined) terminal condition. I even spoke to my doctor who told me all was well. I was a healthy individual with nothing to worry about.

My OCD has not been focused on health since then.

Years later at work I noticed that many of my colleagues were leaving between three and five minutes before the end of our shift. This caused me immense worry. If I left even a minute early, then I was not bring honest. I felt I was cheating my employer and would not not be worthy in the eyes.of the Lord.

Since then I have found my OCD has morphed many times. Recently I find leaving work is difficult as I check that electrical appliances are switched off and windows are closed. This is not part of my job but I have thoughts of my workplace catching fire and me being responsible.

These are examples of my illness over the years. It is tormenting. Stress and fatigue make it worse.

I want to write some of my experiences down to help others know that they ate not alone. There ate others experiencing the same issues that they are facing.

As a church member it is easy for me to get locked in unhealthily to messages about worthiness and pure thoughts which can cause some anxiety and OCD patterns. This is not the Church's fault but my faulty interpretation system kicking in. Ultimately it is good to be a Mormon as the Church teaches about Jesus Christ. I firmly believe that He is the healer. That I am still struggling indicates that the timing is not yet right for my healing to be made complete. I have come a long way though and want to keep the blog going to give others a ray of light that they can too.

Anxieties and Spiritual Promptings

One of the things that i truly appreciate, at times, is the reality that God communicates with man. As i clumsily walk through life making a mess and getting into all sorts of jams it becomes clear that life can be unmanageable. Circumstances can overwhelm us and we can find ourselves with problems on our hands that we simply cannot solve. At such times it seems a little easier to get on my knees and ask God for help. The pride barrier is a little easier to overcome when we are under particular stresses, especially when we can see no way out. I can look back and reflect on times where God has delivered me from bondage and eased my load. There is no question that he has been the architect with the plan to free me from my problems. Problems, however, persist and the process continues as life moves forward. As God communicates with me, there is a calmness and clarity that can come with these promptings. Inspiration from God is sweet. Joseph Smith made reference to inspiration as, "intelligence flowing into you, it may give you sudden strokes of ideas, so that by noticing it, you may find it fulfilled the same day or soon". On the other hand, while in the grip of OCD, there can be invasive thoughts. Ideas and notions that seem to pop into mind. These can be powerful and gripping. Whereas Jospeh Smith referred to, "sudden strokes of ideas" these unwelcome obsessional thoughts are often accompanied by an unsettling feeling. Obsessive thoughts might relate to checking (Did i turn the stove off?), rumination over past events, imagining events or motivations that never occurred etc. Sometimes a thought may reoccur making us wonder whether or not it is a message from God. We may feel bad or worried about something and attach greater significance to it. We must always remember that God loves us and that His messages are for our benefit and that His Spirit uplifts and edifies. All of us need to repent and put things right in our lives and on a daily basis but we must not confuse negative anxious thinking with messages from our loving Heavenly Father. If you are a sufferer of OCD I suggest that contact with qualified professionals can help to sort out our disordered thinking. For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a Bishop can refer you to LDS Family Services Counsellors. These trained professionals are in a place where they can understand both the Gospel and mental health issues that can blight our attempts to live it. Our obsessional thoughts and fears are not creations of God.

Maybe Just Don't Analyze

Here's another revolutionary thought (as if!). It relates to the good old OCD mind. In my experience the cycle of rumination (obsessive thinking) kicks in and it's hard to shake.

I once heard a radio broadcast about anxiety. The announcer suggested that a good way to deal with this is to "park" worries for a specified time later in the day. If they're still a problem, you can pick them up again. He suggested that most worries would melt away.

Personally, I am not quite brave enough to manage this. The process sounds good and may well work for some. For me, it is too tempting to hold on to this worry or that anxiety. The old " what was I really thinking" or "what did I really mean" etc. kicks in and it's hard not to go there.

Maybe I should make me an appointment for a daily review with myself and park things till then. If I could meet myself to talk about my OCD I'm sure me and myself could talk ourselves into a right old state about things.

Until next time.......

OCD Attacks What Matters Most

My OCD is pretty all encompassing at times. There are occasions when I ruminate so much over some of my anxious worries that it takes over.

One of the things I've learned is that OCD attacks the parts of life we hold dearest. The worries we have, that are caused by OCD, generally reflect what matters most. For example, those that fearfully ruminate on matters of honesty are folks that are committed to being honest.

In some ways I feel when I am obsessive about checking things it also relates to fear. Why do I feel the need to go and check if that appliance is switched off? In my mind it is because I don't want it to burst into flames (as if it would!). I don't want to burn my home down and cause harm to others.

Citing the examples above, being honest and not harming others are good motives but OCD takes things to the extreme end. It is because of these good traits that we have OCD in the first place. If we didn't care about being honest or the welfare of others there would be no OCD behaviour / thinking.

So we can rest our minds a little in the knowledge that OCD has set in, at least in part, due to some very positive characteristics.

Mundane and Ordinary

Looking around at the objects surrounding me are a great many simple and far from glamorous things. A toolbox, a pair of beaten up slippers, a chipped guitar and a pile of ironing.

In the world's eyes, items of esteem tend to be modern, shiny and new. Gadgets and gold catch the attention.

But what of the simple, straightforward and ordinary items that surround us, without which smooth running breaks down. They are under appreciated.

When we stop and think about it, this is reflective of people. Those with so-called special talents catch the eye. I love sport, music and movies and don't wish to denigrate those pursuits but if you can sing, run or act, the world tends to place you on a pedestal.

The truth is that the man on the train, the lady at the bus stop, the worker at the checkout, are all worthy of our attention and appreciation.

There is great depth and value to the unsung. There is no such thing as mundane and ordinary.

Putting in the Hard Yards

Considering Nephi's wilderness wanderings, it strikes me that they all had to put up with some close to intolerable issues. They walked vast distances, endured scorching desert heat. In case of the women, they carried and gave birth to children, subsisting on raw meat etc. I moan when I can't find the TV remote. What chance would I have had.

After Nephi and his party had reached the coast they arrived at a place called Bountiful with it's fruit and honey.

The bounty os sweet honey and fruit followed the raw meat. The blessing came on the heels of the trial.

How often do I lack the endurance it really takes to make a good go of things. Maybe if I can catch the vision of the blessing following the trial, I might be able to better endure my issues.

Dear All! Whoopsee! A few months ago I wrote noting that I was committed to keeping up my blog. Human nature being as it is, I flopped. That's OK because I feel a flurry of writing coming on. Why? Is it because I'm feeling better? Nope. Is it because I have more time on my hands? Negative. Is it because I have a better handle on my OCD? Maybe. Overall, I just feel it's time. I am ready to unleash some new posts on my innumerable readers. Until next time (hopefully before 2013)....

God's Book

I've read some fine literature in my time. Some classics. Some contemporary favorites. Now, I claim not to be an avid book reader so I include in my list of worthy writing the occasional t-shirt, splash of graffiti or even a bumper sticker (Thanks President Uchtdorf - see the Sunday morning session of the April 2012 conference if you don't know what I mean.). In some ways Charlie Brown has influenced me as much as Charles Dickens. But that's OK.

Good writing in my view, transports you elsewhere only to return you home a little better than you were before.

God is an author in a number of ways. He has created our mortal sphere, laying down a blueprint for the Saviour to follow in our physical coming to life. He is behind the many "coincidences" that occur and is to be found in the design of nature (if we look closely enough).

The scriptures in many ways give us a pure experience that outlines our Heavenly Father's plan. Love letters from Heaven indeed.

In addition, Jesus tells us that, "all things are written by the Father".

What is in God's book? I think each of us is featured. I wonder what He has to say about us. Who in his book are the good guys and who are the bad guys. Or are there any? I'm sure his view of us is quite different to our own. For the better....

How Do You Deal With Mistakes?

Have you ever said that you would do something and then never did it? It seems I have messed up a bit with respect to one of my commitments. It's not the end of the world. It's not a matter of sin and repentance. It's more a matter of "Whoops! Look what I didn't do. Now so and so will be upset". I try to be dependable and conscientious at all times (Can you spot the signs of budding perfectionism?) but letting people down is never fun. This can happen at Church, at work, at home or with friends. Our imperfections can weigh us down a bit. I think that I perform at a generally high level and I typically try my utmost to accommodate others so things generally have been working out fine in life. So how do you deal with it? Move on? Say sorry? Try to put it right? Try better next time? When you have my OCD profile it's simply not that straightforward. Here's how my brain deals with it: After a sick feeling in the stomach, I try to appeal desperately to Heavenly Father for help. This would generally be a good thing but I feel like it's the end of the world. I panic. I feel my temperature rising. I start to feel physical tension. I consider fasting and praying and consider bargaining with the Lord. "If I give up junk food will you bail me out this time?" Overall it feels like things cave in on me. Perspective has been lost and catastrophising (Is that really a word?) kicks in. Can you spot the compulsions? Now it is time for the cold light of day moment. Mistakes happen! How you deal with errors is a very personal thing. To me it's hard to rationalise and be calm. Not many on the outside looking in would be permitted to spot the issues. I will talk to my wife and my Father in Heaven about it, none else. With my OCD there is a definite slant towards perfectionism. Couple that with a chronic fear of man and life is one big party! Some good council from an LDS therapist went like this, "Be kind to yourself but don't be easy on yourself". At first I didn't get it but now I see that we should be kind enough to be gentle with ourselves (Not that I am disposed to ever let myself off the hook for anything). I feel that I can be soft enough to at least try not to hold on to issues. Not being easy on ourselves means that we shouldn't give ourselves permission to foul up in advance, perhaps believing that we deserve to go down some bad path. In real terms all of us need repentance. It's a simple soap for fallen man. Everyone needs it all the time. I'm not trying to minimise the processes of repentance and the Atonement but I am trying to be kind to myself. Anyway life continues to roll on. I will try to be nice to me and not hold on to the extra baggage. Until next time..........

Elder Morrison

Dear Folks, This is an interesting article. Elder Morrison has a good handle on mental health issues. I love it that our leaders can hit the nail on the head with this stuff. Check it out: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/10/myths-about-mental-illness?lang=eng