Oh Boy!

Oh Boy! I have had some periods of real heavy OCD in the past. Right now my obsessional thinking relates to worthiness and in particular if I see an inappropriate image e.g. some underdressed indiviual either on a billboard, TV ad or walking down the street, I worry.
"Did I just ogle that person?"
"Did i look again?"
"What was I thinking?"
"That was so wrong!'
"Am I OK to use the Priesthood?"..........................

Do you get my drift. What fun! If you can imagine what it is like to be in that mindset 24/7 you can get a handle on where my head is at on a frequent basis.

When I misapply Gospel teachings such as the encouragement and commandments to be clean, pure, chaste etc. I have a pretty sure feeling that I am a big baddie. Although I have had some experiences lately that have started to chill me out a bit (I'll post about that sometime soon.). These obsessions are in no way enjoyable and looking at it as Mr. Rational, I can see that my mind is overworking or maybe even malfunctioning during these episodes.

That relates to the obsessions. Now or the fun part (if only!!?!) the compulsive behaviour. What do I do to counteract these thoughts? I think of a bad thing to take away the image / thought. This happens to be another little gem - bad language. That's right! I resolve one negative by thinking of another one. Thinking (sometimes mouthing) these words makes me feel bad and takes my mind away from the original intrusive thought. What a pathetic cycle. Why do I do it? President Packer says to sing a hymn. In my mentally unstable world it seems that foul language kicks out the obsessional thinking. What a laugh!

So in summary my obsessions (intrusive thoughts relating to members of the opposite sex) are followed by my compulsions (secret swearing). You can tell my self esteem does not go through the roof when I am in this cycle, which by the way is almost constant. I struggle to watch almost anything on TV without this process kicking in. Walking down the street is about enough to get things of to a flyer.

This is only part of the picture for me. I honestly feel that I am in recovery. I have decided to put up and suffer no longer than I need to. I have spent some time chatting with an LDS Family Services counsellor. This has been good but is only starting to scratch the surface. I really do believe that I can be healed. I hope that if you are like me and suffer from this psychological issue that you hang in there. If you are a later-day saint or not, hang in there. Help is at hand. We have not been sent to Earth to fail. Success can and will be yours if you work at it. Let's remember that we have been sent here to have joy.

Until next time happy handwashing (or whatever is your thing).

Oh and by the way I will take some time to chat through my shifting symptoms next time as I too have been in the handwashing gang among others.

Cheerio!

OCD, Fear, Stress and Fatigue

Dear fellow OCDers (and any interested parties). I have some new insights into my issues. I had a good chat with an LDS counsellor lately. I walked in to the office expecting to dig deep into my ruminations. I tend to compulsively ruminate on my worthiness. My LDS counsellor started by asking me questions about a host of seemingly unrelated issues e.g. changes in life, work etc. Odd it seems? Not really. I have learned that stress and fatigue kick in to make the OCD cycle worse. If I can manage to get some balance in my life and enough sleep things will get better. It is sometimes, therefore, more helpful to get stuck into these factors than to wire into the compulsive thinking or behaviours.

Here's the question. Does this realisation cause me to slow down and take better care of myself? The answer - Not particularly. Another consideration for me is that I tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist. Oh yes! Perfectionism and OCD, what a combo. My fear of others and desire to do things right (with a capital R) causes me to be driven forward in an unrelenting manner. Perfectionism and OCD cause a lot of fear.

It is worth noting that I have locked in hard to a dodgy frequency of inappropriate levels of self improvement. This is not the fault of the Church but relates to faulty thinking/interpretation on my part. The challenge is to eliminate the faulty parts so I can feel a bit better.

By the way. Things will get better, I am sure. I have been a washer, lock checker etc. throughout my life and my OCD has a fairly changeable quality. The pain of the OCD problem is pretty acute and I think it is time for a step in recovery.

Anyway I will sign off at that and will post more about my recovery, even though I'm feeling worse at the moment! Great!

On a spiritual note, I believe that the Lord is real and will intervene. I am posting this as a declaration so that you can watch my recovery, initiated by Him, and receive hope. If you have OCD hang in there and be kind to yourself.