After a significant break in posting it is time to return.
I am unwell. I have not been able to work for most of the last eight months. I awake each morning with an uncomfortable feeling of worry and anxiety. Very few days have many consecutive hours that feel "good" and the overarching grey themes have found me with diminished interest in the pleasures of life and a relative inability to cope with some of it's associated rigours. As a spouse and parent I feel a painful lack of capacity in dealing well with the needs of those around me.
I feel isolated from those around me at times and disconnected from God. The sense of isolation comes in part from a lack of emotional authenticity. In other words, wearing a mask and not sharing my real feelings. Sometimes this is because I don't feel comfortable letting some people in and on other occasions it is too harrowing to discuss my heavy feelings. As a result a false facade is preferable. Sometimes I feel less inclined to share as I don't want to encumber others with my emotional baggage or sound like I am complaining. Despite this, my closest family members know how things are for me.
As my time away from work has stretched out, I have waited for some clarity to come from Heaven. I have looked for some answers to arrive that would shed light and direction on how to heal and return to a more functional, meaningful life. In waiting, I hoped that God would give me a clear package that would allow me to find financial avenues that would prevent me from having to return to my old job, which is a source of stress, as well as resources to help me feel better. This has not yet been realised. I returned to work for a short number of weeks when faced with a pay reduction but it was too much and I have not been working since then, which was two months ago.
There are a few moments of clarity that have broken through the gloom:
- Knowledge that I am God's child. Despite the feelings of spiritual loneliness that have been around regularly over recent months there are some moments when I feel of his love.
- I have family and friends who love me. While not many understand what I am going through, there are people around me who offer love, support and encouragement through my experiences.
- God is making me into something more than I can see. C.S. Lewis said, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."
I feel that there is a reason behind all of these feelings and emotional unsteadiness. I feel that, although agonisingly slow, the process will yet yield some results to enable a forward step. I feel a parallel with the seasons in that the changes that occur are almost unnoticeable on a daily basis. Despite that each new season gives way to the one that follows in it's fullness.
