Friday, 6 April 2012

Things I Knew and Things I Did not Know

Tomorrow I am speaking at a wedding. I had a thought as I was walking into town today. I was heading off to pack up an Easter display at the main shopping centre in town. Some good PR? Let's hope so! I was listening to a BYU devotional (Amy Petersen Jensen 20/3/12). She made a remark reflecting on some things she knew and some that she did not know when she was an undergrad at BYU. It struck me, as I walked, that since getting married 12 years ago I had learned some things.

What did I know at that point?

I knew that I was a son of God. I knew that I loved my wife (and still do). I knew that God was going to help me and wife in our future life. I knew I wanted to treat my wife well and do what was right.

What did I not know?

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Honestly!?!?!?
The list of what I knew indicates how big a gap was left there. Not to suggest that I am the polished final article now by a long way. How to communicate, meet needs, being aware of my other half's wants in life...... I could go on (and on). To be blunt I am only starting to know what makes my own brain tick (tock).

In OCD terms I had no awareness. I had never heard of OCD. I only knew that I had previously had some hardcore worries. I thought I might be terminally ill even though I was generally healthy. This was around 5 years prior to getting married at around age 18/19. That should have been a warning sign. It seems to me that a lot of poor mental health starts to show up at this age. I even took my worries to the doctor. He was wise enough to know that I was an anxious chap and managed to put my mind to rest. Although as the years rolled past and I began to worry about worthiness. Was I good enough? I hesitated in going to the Temple because I was afraid to give an account of my standards in a Temple recommend interview. I put off going. I even put my name down to go a couple of times and didn't show up for the bus that was taking us there. I had no way of having the confidence to chat this through with any leaders. I thought that they would be horrified if they knew the real me. In general I was a good kid. My issues were not always reading my scriptures. I paid my tithing, did my callings and tried to be a decent home teacher. I would go out with the missionaries and always went to Church but always felt not good enough. Worry, worry, worry!

When I came into the Church at 21 I had no idea of what was up with me. I had no idea there was a problem. As the years have rolled on I have developed a vocabulary to know and express how I am feeling. I have had help and am developing on my healing journey. I like to think that coming into the Church has brought this painful stuff out of me. I like to think that it is linked to the Saviour's atonement. Healing often hurts and this is my hope for the experiences I am having.

So what do I know now and what do I still not know. Of course I only know snippets of truth in terms of how to live but the Gospel has given me tools to chase the darkness away and live better.

Until next time..............

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